Life Begins
by cozmonkey
Summary: Miranda POV. Deaths can do alot to people, even make them realise things they had been missing for years.


I can't lie to you. It hurt me, a hell of a lot. The way you just forgot about me. The way you ignored me. Now you have new friends and I have no one. I was angry, I suppose I still am, I mean come on, a girl has to be angry when her supposed "best friend" dumps her for the cheerleading squad.

Your turned out to be such a cliché Lizzie, such a fucking cliché. I mean I knew you were always prone to "sheep" syndrome weren't you. If there was a craze, you'd jump straight on the band wagon, anything that MIGHT and I say might, make you popular, it never did though, did it. Your brush with fame seemed to change your social status, straight from no one to it girl.

When I came back to Mexico, I came back to a hell of a lot more than I barged for. A dejected, hopelessly obsessed Gordo, his obsession was you, you knew that. You kissed him in Rome I was told. Then spat him out just as fast as that kiss was. And you, miss over night fame. I suppose you'd finally stopped being little old naive Lizzie, who wouldn't intentionally hurt a fly. Maybe I'm one step below a fly then, because you sure well hurt me. As for Gordo, he was never the same, was he.

Now I'm looking at you from across the isle, looking at your fake tears, you wish you were out with Kate and Ethan and a million other nameless poplars right now Lizzie don't you? Not at a funeral. No. I overheard you in the bathroom you know, with Kate.

"God, funerals really depress me, but black looks so good on me!" You said giggling, like it was just another daily annoyance of yours.

You look downwards and sometimes up, giving this fake look of sadness. I know your not sad, he became just another nameless face in the crowd not even slightly good enough for you.

Walking up the casket, I'm behind you. It strikes me as funny as I look down at Gordo. I was impressed with the job they had done. He must have been as blue as a blueberry when they brought him in.

I hate the way Gordo just became another statistic. I know, you know, he could have been more than that. Now all he is, is the lifeless body in front of me and you. And another teen suicide statistic.

At the reception I stand there against the wall with my diet coke, I glance around, it pains me to see Gordo's parents. Mrs Gordon looks paler than usual, her hair is scraped back into a bun. I remember Gordo telling me she wore her hair like that when she was angry. Hell, I'd be angry with Gordo. No I was angry with Gordo. Were you I wonder? I didn't expect you to come Lizzie, I have to admit. But you came, paying your duty. You walked over the Mr and Mrs Gordon and exchanged quite words of sympathy.

"Sad isn't it." You said walking over to me, perfectly poised as always now, unlike the clumsy Lizzie you used to be.

I nod.

"Hanging himself, Gordo, who would have guessed it." You said leaning up aganst the wall as well.

"You must not have talked to him much lately then." I said, Maybe it was bitchy, but what Lizzie didn't realise is Gordo had been suffering ever since she rejected him. Everything was just intensified by Gordo's all round intelligent and cynical nature. They say people who are as intelligent as Gordo was, were prone to be depressed because they could just see the world, unlike the rest of us in idle ignorance. Gordo always saw life for what it was, no bullshit with Gordo. But, he let himself fall her Lizzie. The girl I'm looking at, this blonde bimbo with far too much makeup on for her own good and this awful look of boredom on her face. I suppose it just shows that Gordo was only human.

"Oh come on Miranda, its not like I made him hang himself." She said arching her overly plucked eyebrows at me.

"No, but you didn't help matters did you Lizzie." I felt tired, so tired. Maybe Gordo had this right as well.

"Oh I don't have to put up with your shit Miranda, its not my fault I got popular and you didn't, stop blaming me!" She scowled at me. Scowled at me! Maybe I was jealous, then, but now, I hardly found the idea or Lizzie's life style appealing.

"Lizzie, I don't want your life. Do you even want your life?" It was a genuine question.

"Look, just fuck off Miranda." Lizzie scowled one more time. She walked with out of the room, her heels clicking on the floor.

I couldn't say I really cared, talking to Lizzie was rare, and when it happened, I felt an overwhelming feeling of tiredness. Id spent sleepless nights thinking about broken relationships between myself, Gordo and Lizzie. I didn't intend to do it anymore.

I felt stifled in that room, just looking at all these sad faces made me feel more and more numb. I needed a smoke.

The Gordon residence, I knew it so well. It seemed weird walking through these halls again. Of course me and Gordo had stayed friends, but not as close as before, Gordo let no one get close to him after Lizzie. I opened the screen doors leading out to the Gordon's garden. I closed it gently behind me, the last thing I wanted was to be disturbed. I reached into my purse for a crumpled packet of fags. Last one. Last one Miranda. I thought. I knew I really ought to give up. Me and Gordo used to smoke out here before he stopped inviting me round. Of course Gordo had always been dead against cigarettes, but its funny how being depressed can make someone act out of character.

I took a heavy drag. Suddenly there it was, little sobs, so quite I could barely hear them. Squinting in the early evening light I saw a blonde down on the rope swing at the bottom of the garden. I debated for a few seconds. The next thing I knew I found myself approaching Lizzie. She glanced up, her large brown eyes staring at me, just like a little child again. I sat down heavily beside her on the swinging bench. I handed her my cigarette, she shook her head.

"I remember us all sitting on this bench before you went to Mexico. Me, you and Gordo. Remember that?" She said looking at her feet.

I nodded. "I remember." I said taking another drag.

"Before your parents told you, you were going to Mexico, we made all those plans, for the summer I mean, you me and Gordo, we said we'd go down and stay in his parents cabin on the lake." She said softly, a curtain of blonde hair covering her face.

"Yeah, I remember, we said we'd go swimming in the lake everyday and stay up all night and just talk." a vague smile drifted onto my face.

"And Gordo rolled his eyes and said "well as long as its not all about make-up and boys." typical Gordo style." I knew she was smiling.

"Yeah, those were the days." I replied wistfully. I did miss them. I missed them so much sometimes it hurt.

"Whatever happened Miranda?" She said looking at me with a crumpled brow. She looked like a lost little kid.

I shrugged. "You tell me." I glanced around, the garden looked nice in this light.

"I suppose things change." She sighed.

"Change is enviable."

"Sounded like something Gordo would have said." She said. She was right. I could just picture Gordo saying it. "You know Mir.." she said in barely a whisper. " I wish he was still alive and I wish… No, it was stupid, forget it." She sighed as she got up. I felt the bench swing a little bit under me.

I nodded, I didn't intend to push her, I knew what she was going to say anyway.

"I should be off." She said slightly awkwardly standing over me. I took my last drag and stubbed the cigarette out on the ground. I nodded. She stood there for a few seconds. I glanced up.

"Well bye Miranda." She said avoiding my eyes.

"Bye Lizzie." I sighed. I was feeling tired, so very tired. I watched her walk slowly back up the garden. Then she turned back to me.

"Miranda, I was going to say that I wish things hadn't have changed." She looked at me like a deer caught in head lights and turned around as quick as humanly possible.

"I know." I said under my breath as I watched the tall blonde in her heels walk out of my life, again.

That night, I stood by the window looking out on my home town. Next month I would be graduating high school. Things seemed so warped. I couldn't quite believe it had been so long since middle school, since me, Gordo and Lizzie.

Gordo was gone. I think I had excepted that. I suppose you could also say Lizzie was gone too, of course she'd been gone for a long time. And really thinking back, Gordo had been too, ever since he was rejected. And maybe so had I, all this time, maybe I too had been "gone". Today, at the funeral, it might sound weird, but I felt alive again. It was nothing to do with the fact Gordo was gone, or Lizzie talked to me. But I felt that for the first time since everything had happened between us, I felt like I was alive. And I knew that this was my life. I have been so hung up. And I knew it. I just wish Gordo too, and Lizzie could have realised this. It was truly liberating.

I didn't know where I would be in 10 years, hell I didn't know where I'd be next year. But now, this night, standing by my open window in this room where I had grown up in I finally saw everything clearly, for the first time since we all broke apart. All these years without Lizzie and Gordo, I had felt numb, like a piece of me was missing. But it wasn't missing at all, I was missing. I was so numb to everything around me. But now I wasn't numb, I was me. I knew who I was, and I'd be ok, without Lizzie and without Gordo. But I would always remember them. No matter what had happened, I couldn't, Lizzie couldn't and Gordo couldn't deny that our friendship has been special to all of us at that point in out lives. Friends influence us so much, the way we act, the way we deal. So yeah, we all could have been better friends. But looking back. I don't blame Lizzie and I'm no longer angry at Gordo for what they did. They did what they felt they had to do. Now, by moving on, I was doing what I had to do.

Reviews would be lovely, thanks. Also could be helpful. I'm thinking about possibly changing the characters and slight theme adjustments and then maybe submitting it as English coursework. Is it good enough for that! Your help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading. And in advance for reviewing . I'll give you cookies! 


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